Majora Is NOT A Mask
by UncleScar4life
Summary: Link gets hi-jacked in the woods by an annoying skull kid and gets stuck with a gangsta hood fairy. Now he has to save another place again. Crack fic. Parody of the game!
1. Chapter 1

**A/n-** Dun dunna dun! Decided to do a Majora's Mask parody so here it is! Chapter uno. I know the beginning is kind cheesy at first, but I PROMISE that it gets crackier by the minute. Enjoy peeps.

**NOTE: Flamers or whatever, do not blab to me about my writing style being generic and whatnot. I don't care. I write my way, YOU write YOUR way. If everybody wrote the same then this world would be boring as hell. Let's leave it at that.**

* * *

...

One day, Link and Epona were walking through the forest. "I am so freaking bored." Link sighed.

Just then, 2 fairies came out of nowhere and pushed him off his horse, making Link fall mildly unconscious. Then a weird squishy white skull kid walked over to Link, snickering evilly.

"Hehe, I finally got another person to hijack!" Just then, the rap song "Ridin' Dirty" came on out of NOWHERE as the squishy white skull kid made his way through Link's things.

"OOOOO! I found a gay flute!"

All of a sudden, Link woke up from getting hijacked. The white glowy fairy stared at Link.

"Oh crap homie, chill out man, look look look, I can hook you up brotha, c'mon let's talk this out playa!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!" Link yelled.

"Oh crap! Playa on a rampage!"

The two fairies and the squishy white skull kid jumped on Epona and ran away. "YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY!" Link shouted.

Link then jumped on Epona's leg. "DIZZ PLAYA's GONNA FAT UP IN THIS CRIB HOMIES!" Shouted the white glowy fairy.

He then fell off. "CRAP! They got away!"

Link then, ran after them and then found them. "I finally found you idiots!" Link shouted. "Now give me back my ocarina that my girlfriend a.k.a. Princess Zelda gave me!"

"You mean your gay flute?" The skull kid said, laughing like a maniac.

Link huffed. "GAAAAAYYYYYY! MY FLUTE-I MEAN OCARINA IS NOT GAY! NOW GIVE IT BACK!"

"No. If you want it, come and get it grasshopper."

Then the skull kid turned Link into a Deku Scrub. "What the hell? I'm a piece of wood now!" Link was extremely extremely extremely mad.

The skull kid laughed. "Yep! You just got pwned by the Pillsberry Dough Boy! MWUAHAHAHAHA!" Then the Pillsberry Skull Kid ran away with the purple fairy while leaving the white one with Link.

"AW HELL NO DAWG! YO YO YO YO YO! Don't be leavin' me with this playa!" Then the white fairy looked over at Link. "SHUT UP! This is all your fault! If it weren't for you and that stupid-"

Link interrupted. "You finished?"

"You know dawg, I ain't. I just getting started! Know what I'm saying!"

"Yes...I know what you are saying."

"Then let's get outta here cracka!"

"I'm not a cracka anymore. I'm a deku scrub now so I'm not white anymore."

"I'll STILL call ya cracka!"

* * *

They then, made their way to the clock tower. Then all of a sudden...

"HEY HEY HEY! It's FAAAAAATTT ALBERT!"

It was the Happy Mask Man.

"WHAT THE FREAK? ARE YOU A MOLESTOR? Because if you are then I will-"

Tatl interrupts. "YOYOYOYOYOYOYOYO Boy hold up." She looked over at the Happy Mask Man. "Yo dawg. Look look look man, see this kid right here? He is an original...saltine...cracka."

"HEEEYYYYYY!" Link glared at Tatl.

"Anyways, dizz cracka got turned into a walking tree. We need to turn him back into a kid! Yeh, that's how it goes down."

The Happy Mask Man told Link to go Majora's Mask and the flute and he would be able to turn him back into his regular self. That sounded good enough to Link.

Then they went out the door and entered Clock Town.

* * *

"YEEEHH! HEY! What I said back there...I was messing. I'm sorry. ALRIGHT I SAID IT! GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY!"

"Okay Tatl.."

Link and Tatl were walking through clock town and saw a dog.

"Yo homie don't touch that dog. It might have rabies."

"I like dogs Tatl." Link replied. The dog spilled foam from it's mouth. "I wonder what this dog is thinking?" Asked Link. This is what the dog was thinking.

"I foam from me mouth and not me body. But people think me crazy but me got aids. People think me butt is big, but it not." The dog then attacked Link.

"Me body not foamy."

* * *

A/n- And there ends chapter 1. Reviews are Appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n-** Chapter 2 guys. Enjoy!

Disclaimer- I do not own Zelda or anything Zelda or ANYTHING ZELDA!

**NOTE: Flamers or whatever, do not blab to me about my writing style being generic and whatnot. I don't care. I write my way, YOU write YOUR way. If everybody wrote the same then this world would be boring as hell. Let's leave it at that.**

* * *

Link and Tatl journeyed to the North Clock town area.

"Okay dawg, we need to go see the Great Fairy She'll know exactly where to go."Tatl said.

Link blinked. "Is she a stripper fairy?"

"I don't know! I'm just a fairy!"

Link rolled his eyes at Tatl. They saw a kid trying to pop a balloon but ignored him. There also was a guy, a bald guy matter of fact standing behind the slide like a pedophile. Then Link and Tatl went inside a small cave.

"WHOA! Pink glittery lights! Is this Halloween?" Link shrieked.

Tatl stared at him. "NO you dumb idiot! It's water/magic!"

"Whatever! I don't care! All I want to know is how I can get out of this tree body!"

Then about 20 little stripper fairies emerged from the water laughing like maniacs.

"Howdy how!"

Link twitched.

"I need ya'll to go find a little pink fairy so I can complete myself."

"WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTT? YOU LITT-"

Tatl interrupted.

"Yo homie now hold on here for a sec. I can handle this."

"What do you mean you can HANDLE this?" Link blurted rather rudely.

* * *

Tatl ignored Link and left the cave. Link followed her soon after.

"YOU CRETIN! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THAT MR. HANKY STRIPPER FAIRY! I HATE YOOOOOOUUUU!"

"You done crack- oh wait...guess you're not a cracka anymore. Um...since you're a tree, I be callin' you 'Wooden Turd'. Yes. It suits you."

"Wooden Turd? SERIOUSLY?" Link screamed.

"Well, you ARE brown and you have an afro that looks similar to the guy's afro off of Yo Gabba Gabba..."

Link was furious. "WWWWHHHHHHAAAAATTTT?" He became distracted suddenly. "HEY LOOK! A HOLE! YAY!" Link then clapped with joy as he jumped in the deku flower and made his way over the gate and down the fence. He then saw a sign that read:

"Deku Tree Playground"

Then the sign had a scratched arrow pointing to another sign that said:

"No don't listen to that other sign. This is the Deku SCRUB Playground. That other sign is lying."

Then it had another scratched arrow pointing to go down a hole in the ground so Link did.

* * *

When they were in the hole, all of a sudden...

"Hola como esta muchas gracias el magnifico si senor hola!" Two Deku Scrubs greeted Link and Tatl in Spanish. Tatl stared at the two before asking Link a question.

"Yo brown turd...wait...I mean wooden turd-"

Link interrupted.

"Waaaiiit a minute! I gotta go drop the kids off at the pool."

"What?" Tatl asked. "What are you talking about? There ain't no pool around here!"

Link smacked his forehead in despair.

"You imbecile! It means I gotta poop!"

Tatl stared at him oddly.

"Whatever. After you get done, just hurry up and play this game already! We don't even have like 9847382 hours left!"

"I thought he said 3 days?"

"..."

Link rolled his eyes and went to the bathroom. After he was done, he came out and went up to one of the deku scrubs.

"Hey scrub. What's going on? Can I play the game?" He asked.

"Si senor! Taco Bell FTW!"

Link jumped around happily. "I love Taco Bell! Especially nacho bell grande."

Tatl flew over to Link. "Yeah right brown turd! They ain't even got Taco Bell around here fool!"

The Deku Scrub started to get impatient with Link. "SENOR..."

"OKAY OKAY!"

Link played the game but fell off the platform.

"FREAKIN PLATFORMS! I QUUIT!"

* * *

Link and Tatl then went to the Laundry Pool. The water there was brown.

"OH MY GOSH! People actually do their laundry in this sewer shit?" Link criticized. He looked and found a pink fairy floating above the water.

"SWEET! I GOT A FAIRY! HEY!" Link looked over at Tatl.

"What?"

"Um Tatl, why doesn't this fairy look like you?"

"Because I am better obviously! That fairy is only a fragment of the Great Stripper Mr Hanky Fairy. That's why it looks like a cocker spaniel."

They both went back to the Great Mr Hanky Stripper Fairy and then she completed herself.

"Howdy How! Thanks! Now I give you magic meter!"

Link stopped her and interrupted.

"WAAAIIITTT A MINUTE. How did I lose my magic meter from Ocarina of Time? I had a giant one too. And now all of a sudden, my items and weapons are gone for some reason and my hearts are also gone and my magic meter is gone. WHAT THE FUCK MAN? SERIOUSLY! Who thought this S*** up?"

"I don't know. You still get magic meter regardless. RECIEVE IT!"

Link then went spinny spin and he automatically-

Tatl interupts

"Yo! I'm like an instant camera! AUTOMATIC! MY swagga is so tight, it's more shocking than static!"

Link rolled his eyes. "Anyway, YIPPEE! I can shoot snot bubbles now! WOOOO! MUCUS!"

* * *

**A/n- **There ends chapter 2. Reviews are appreciated! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**A/n-** Chapter 3 guys. Enjoy!

Disclaimer- I don't own anything Zelda. I already told you! GOSH! *headdesks*

* * *

The two headed over to the kid they saw earlier, who was trying to pop a balloon. "Hey kid. Can I fry an egg on your belly button?" Said Link.

"Ey man, don be doin dat guy, y'know what I'm sayin' yeah? Bada bing bada boom." The kid had a strong New York accent.

Link screamed. "I have to join your club!" The kid walked up to Link, gazing up at him.

"Ey bro, listen man, I can't be lettin' ya's join da club widout first poppin' this here balloon and then passin' my hide and seek test see?" Link shrugged. "Sounds easy to me."

Link popped the balloon and passed the hide and seek test.

"Sorry bud, yeh can't join my club because we're racist against deku scrubs. But chu can like, have all access to our secret old man club. He likes kids."

Link threw up.

"Well, how the hell am I supposed to get in your stupid club when that yellow hat kid won't let me?"

"Here's the code: 6789473891276784214%$^$#&%TEGSD#faflkj23948230571!&%)($?":{}_)+_+$%"

"WHAT...THE...HELL?" Link wanted to just die. "Write it down for me so I can remember this. HOW THE HELL DO YOU GUYS EVEN REMEMBER THIS LONG OF A FREAKIN CODE? YOU'RE ONLY LIKE...5 YEARS OLD!"

"We're actually 72 year old midgets. We suck the youth out of kids so we can stay young and mortal."

Link and Tatl backed away slowly and ran to the yellow hat kid.

"Ey bro, listen man, I can't be lettin' ya's go in da secret old man club widout first givin' me da password. HIT ME UP SUCKA!"

"Who the hell you callin' sucka? FOOL!" Tatl screamed. Link focused for a second, and stared down at his password paper.

"I can't read this..." Link said. "Some of these characters, I can't even pronounce."

"Dat's okay cuz ya's don need to be readin' it to me."

"Then how do I show you?"

Just then, a freakin letterbox popped up out of nowhere in front of everybody that said: 'What's the code?' with a character map on it.

"What the fuck...seriously?" Link rolled his eyes and typed in the code with his Nintendo 64 controller.

"Hey Tatl."

"Yeah?"

"If I'm controlling myself with this controller, how do I control myself without it?"

"I guess you get somebody else to control you for you."

Link whimpered and cried. The kid then moved out of the way to let them through.

"Damn, that was fast. I thought we were gonna be here all day."

The kid looked at Link. "What made ya's think that?"

"Well, a similar thing happened back in Ocarina of Time where me and Navi had to wait like...5 million years for this fat ass lard drinker AKA KING ZORA to move out of the way to let us go into Jabu Jabu's stomach."

Tatl slowly turned to Link with a confused and slightly disgusted look drawn on her face. "...The hell were you doin' in a fish's stomach?"

"..."

"I don't even wanna know..."

The kid stopped them before they started to go to the clubhouse. "Oh I's almost forgots: The Boners Secret Society of Justice Forever!"

"The Boners?" Link said. "That one kid said you guys were the 'Bombers'..."

"..."

"Oh my god!"

* * *

Link and Tatl then reached the old man after trialing through giant senora verde spiders and nasty sewers. Plus, they had to pop another Majora's Mask balloon to get up a ladder.

Link sighed. "WHO THE FREAK, blocks a ladder with a giant balloon? SERIOUSLY?"

They found some old dude staring out of a telescope, which actually was a kaleidoscope. The old man looked at Link.

"Hey sonny! Look through this telescope so you can see the skull kid so you can go outside to get a moon tear so you can give it to the deku scrub and get his flower so you can get into the clock tower so you can get your ocarina back so you can get the giants to hold the moon so you can kill Majora's Mask so you can give the happy mask man his mask back so you can go on with your boring ass life!"

Link's jaw dropped to the ground. He stared suspiciously at the man. "How do you know all this?"

"I...er...I..." The old man looked around. "I like cherry pie."

"By the way OLD GEEZER, that is a freakin' kaleidoscope! NOT A TELESCOPE! How the heck am I supposed to see out of that?"

"FIND A WAY!"

* * *

They both got the moon tear after doing everything the old man said (which took some time) and ventured to the clock tower.

"Okay, we're here. Now what?" Link said looking around like a moron.

BEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"Oh crap...my cell is going off." Tatl pulled out her chocolate phone.

Link's eyes went wide. "Where the hell'd you get that?"

"..."

"Never mind."

When they got into the clock tower...

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA! I FINALLY FOUND YOU!" Said the skull kid. Link flipped him off.

"Shut up you cretin! You turned me into a talking tree! I HATE TREES! It reminds me of that talking twig-The Great Deku Tree! I despise him! He made me save Hyrule for free!"

Meanwhile, Tatl floated silently in the background while munching on Snickers. The Skull Kid tried to make the moon fall by shaking his mask freakishly. Link stared at him weirdly.

"What the heck is wrong with you man? Why are you shaking your face like you have Parkinsons or something?"

"I want strawberry ice cream." The Skull Kid said. Tatl and Link then ate some strawberry ice cream with him. All of a sudden, the purple fairy started yelling at Tatl about "giants of four who like to hold moons up for free if you destroy the evil spirits in their temples."

"NOBODY FREAKIN' CARES MAN!" Yelled Tatl. "You left m with this grasshopper wanna-be! How can I ever listen to what you have to say after you doing me like that man?"

Link shot a snot bubble at the skull kid, making him stagger and drop the ocarina.

DUN DUNNA DUHH!

Link jumped. "Where'd that music come from? And why is my ocarina floating above my head?" Just then, Link's head felt dizzy and he had a flashback.

* * *

_FLASHBACK OF HIM AND PRINCESS ZELDA AT THE CASTLE_

_"Link, I want to tell you that I am so sad that you are leaving."_

_Link was staring at Zelda's boobs._

_"LINK! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?"_

_"No."_

_"WHY NOT?"_

_"Because your boobs are too distracting for me to even give a damn."_

_Zelda smacked her forehead and sighed. "Whatever, just take this orcarina-"_

_"Again? But didn''t you steal it back from me when we floated in the sky a few weeks ago when we were adults and shit?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Zelda, you're such an indian giver..."_

_"I AM NOT!" She stood with her hands on her hips._

_"Hey guys!"_

_"Go away Navi. You're not coming with me. I am sick of you always making me 'Z' target things...IT'S ANNOYING!"_

_"Fine. GOSH!"_

_Navi flew away crying._

_"Okay well, good luck on your- Link what are you doing!"_

_"Scratching my arse...why?"_

_"UGH! JUST LEAVE ALREADY!"_

_FLASHBACK END

* * *

_"Get yo face out of the past cracka! We need to get out of here before we die!"

Link shook his head trying to wake himself up. "Oh. Right! Sorry."

Tael went over to Tatl and Link. "Probabwy woo wead woo way wee wong whyme."

Link blinked.

"The fuck did he just say?"

Tatl shrugged. "How the hell should I know!"

"Speak English idiot!" Link shouted.

"You probably need to play the song of time."

Link stared at the purple glowing fairy. "How do you know all this...?" He played the song of time on his ocarina and some words appeared that said: 'Do you wish to go back in time? Yes or no?'

"Yes." Link said. They spun around fast, went through a bunch of scary white holes, and arrived back to the first day.

* * *

**A/n-** There ends chapter 3. Reviews are appreciated. :)


	4. Chapter 4

A/n- Chapter 4 ala mode. Yes, you get ice cream for actually giving a damn about this story and making me feel 4 minutes more important. *grins*

Disclaimer- *throws cheetos at it*

* * *

"What the heck did you do cracka?"

"I don't know. But at least I got my ocarina back!" Link grinned while patting his satchel. Tatl laughed at him.

"What? Why you laughing freakin fairy?"

Link then went inside the clock tower to find the Happy Mask Man playing a big ass organ.

"What the heck are you doing?"

The Happy Mask Man rose up and skipped over to Link, grinning freakishly. "So, did you get my mask?" He asked in a slap-happy voice.

"No, I wasn't after the mask. I was after my things and why would I go through all of that just for a retarded mask?"

Tatl was dancing in the background. "YEAH HOMIE! This tight! Give me some gold be-fo I knock yo lights out fool! I'm just kidding."

The Happy Mask Man growled like a grizzly bear. Link backed up away from him. "OH SHIT! HE AIN'T HAPPY ANYMORE!"

"You don't have the mask!"

"Ey! Don't touch me! Put me down you pedophile!" The Happy Mask Man set Link down and started crying.

"Oh now you've done it! That mask could destroy everything!"

"I'VE done it?" Link huffed. "Excuse me, but aren't YOU the one who got hi-jacked in the first place? It's not my fault you weren't carrying a gun or something. Gosh, who the heck walks through a forest with a bunch of pricey goods with nothing to back himself up with if he gets attacked by sumgglers?"

Tatl leaned over to Link. "It's SMUGGLERS...not sumgglers."

"STFU! TATL!"

The Happy Mask Man told Link the story of Majora's Mask and all it's dangers.

Link sighed and rolled his eyes. "Like I care! And can you change me back into a human? I am sick of being a deku scrub."

"Fine. But in return, you get my mask back. UNDERSTOOD?"

"Yeah yeah whatever. You'll have your stupid mask back in three days plus all the times we're going to probably have to go back in time and shit. Which would actually be like...5 months?"

The Happy Mask Man grinned and was pleased that they could come to an agreement. He strode happily over to the organ and played the song of healing and made Link turn back into a human. His old form made a deku mask for him from the spell/song.

* * *

The two made their way out of the clock tower and Link went over to the guard who was guarding anybody too young from escaping the village.

"Hey guard. What's up?" Link asked stupidly on purpose.

The guard didn't look up. He seemed to be playing a game.

"Oh nothing. Just playing Gears of War on my PSP. How about you?"

Link looked at him from the corner of his eye, not to draw suspicion. "Oh nothing...just trying to leave so I can go get a purple mask."

"Sweet! I got to level 4! WOO!" Just then, Link took this distraction as an opportunity to escape but the guard soon caught him by blocking him by doing the crab walk like Mido once did.

"HEY WHAT GIVES?" Link shouted.

The guard held his hand up and closed his eyes like a rich person. "I cannot let you leave."

Link scowled. "Why NOT?"

"Because you are a kid and kids can get killed out in the wilderness!" He flailed wildly. Link blinked and narrowed his green eyes.

"Uh...I really don't care. I have a sword. I'll be just fine."

"But there are pedophiles out there! EVEN MICHAEL JACKSON AND R-KELLY!"

Link had enough of his nonsense and pushed past the guard and continued out into Termina Field.

"Yo crack look! A TREE!" Tatl yelled.

Link rolled his eyes in annoyance. "No really?"

They walked peacefully along the sidewalk of the outskirts of the walls of town. Tatl stopped in her tracks periodically to eat some wild strawberries from the patches around. Link decided he was getting hungry as well. 


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/n- Don't own. it. If I did, then you ALL would owe me tons of MONEY! MWUAHAHAHAA!  
**_

* * *

"YO CRACKA! Look! A tree again! Cept' this one has a picture that I drew with the skull kid. Maaaan, GOOD TIMES!" Talt smiled to herself, lost in her useless thoughts.

Link rolled his eyes and sighed. "I really don't care about your lame picture okay?" He smarted off.

"Look here cracka, don't be coppin' an attitude with me!"

"I ain't coppin' nothing!" Link then snapped his fingers at her. "Girl!"

Tatl gave him a weird look. "Quit acting gangsta. You don't even do it right." Link got right in Tatl's face. "OH YEAH! How come MC Hammer won't let anybody touch anything?"

"BECAUSE HE FEELS LIKE IT! I DON'T KNOW? Shit Link, stop asking stupid ass questions!" She yelled. "And you better quit gettin' smart with me cracka! I ain't playin'!"

Link threw his hands in the air and flailed angrily. "YOU KNOW WHAT? I do not have to listen to anybody! I ain't gotta listen to you-the fairy who dings like a bell when she freaking see something weird. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT? And I am not listening to any freaking happy mask man, no sad mask man, no angry mask man no pedophile mask man. NO ONE! UNDERSTAND? WHO'S THE CRACKA NOW?" Link screamed. When he was done, he was all out of breath.

Tatl just stood there, unfazed. "You done having your episode now?"

Link took a deep breath. "Yeah. Pretty much..."

* * *

They then went on to the swamp and found a small sign at the edge of the water. This is what the sign said.

"Yo yo yo! This is the swamp dawg! Up ahead, you'll find a wood cabin mad out of logs-wait lol I just said that it was made out of wood so logs are wood. Okay never mind that, you'll find a cabin with a fat obeast inside and he'll give you money if you take pictures of that fat ass octorok blocking the waterfall, which is the only obstacle preventing you from getting to the Deku Palace. OH YEAAAAAHHH! And the best part is, is that they give out free cameras to people who go save Kotake in the lost woods. All you gotta do is find that stupid monkey and make it lead you to the witch and get some mushrooms for her sister so she can give you the potion that the witch drinks and blows out red smoke and grant you a free boat ride so you can get to the deku palace! OH! AND BY THE WAY...I LIKE PI! Yes, even 3 . 1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 69399375105820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679 8214808651 3282306647 0938446095 5058223172 5359408128 4811174502 8410270193 8521105559 6446229489 5493038196 4428810975 6659334461 2847564823 3786783165 2712019091 4564856692 3460348610 4543266482 1339360726 0249141273 7245870066 0631558817 4881520920 9628292540 9171536436 7892590360 0113305305 4882046652 1384146951 9415116094 3305727036 5759591953 0921861173 8193261179 3105118548 0744623799 6274956735 1885752724 8912279381 8301194912 9833673362 4406566430 8602139494 6395224737 1907021798 6094370277 0539217176 2931767523 8467481846 7669405132 0005681271 4526356082 7785771342 7577896091 7363717872 1468440901 2249534301 4654958537 1050792279 6892589235 4201995611 2129021960 8640344181 5981362977 4771309960 5187072113 4999999837 2978049951 0597317328 1609631859 5024459455 3469083026 4252230825 3344685035 2619311881 7101000313 7838752886 5875332083 8142061717 7669147303 5982534904 2875546873 1159562863 8823537875 9375195778 1857780532 1712268066 1300192787 6611195909 2164201989 3809525720 1065485863 2788659361 5338182796 8230301952 0353018529 6899577362 2599413891 2497217752 8347913151 5574857242 4541506959 ! YAY!"

Link stared at the sign. "How does this sign know all this?"

They did the electric slide and the soulja boy and then went into inside the cabin. "Hey look!" Said Link. "I think that's the obeast!"

Link walked up to him.

"Let me get a camera! PRONTO!"

"Okay!"

He gave Link a bright yellow camera that was glossed in red paint around the edges. "SWWEEEEEEEEEEEETTTT." Link whispered.

"Oh, I almost forgot." The guy bent down behind the counter to get something and rose back up with a brown paper bag in his hand and it looked like there was a bottle in it.

"Here take this. Today is national 'Give A Minor Liquor' day. So here's your whiskey. Just don't tell anybody I'm selling whiskey or I'll never get rid of those pesky witches. They are hard core drinkers let me tell ya! Hahaha!"

He shoved Link outside and slammed the door shut. Link blinked after a moment of silence. He kicked the door and yelled. "FREAKING OBEAST! I bet you're just jealous of me because I'm skinnier!

Tatl laughed to herself. "HAHAHAHAHA! You are so funny cracka!"

Link sighed and laid on the ground and closed his eyes for a moment. "Why do I have to do everything for these freaking damn countries when something weird goes wrong. I mean, this shit already happened to Hyrule like...4 billion times. You'd think Nintendo would give me a break already...god!"

Tatl sat on Link's tummy. "Maybe because everybody else is too lazy."

"No that's not it. I think it's a karma payback revenge thing that's happening to me after I walked in on Malon naked that one time..." Link trailed off and spaced out, remembering that certain event...

* * *

_FLASHBACK_

_Link was sitting at his Kokiri table about to eat his breakfast.  
_

_"Bowl-check! Spoon-check! Sugar-check! Cocoa Puffs-check! Milk-...wait where's the milk? Oh, I must have forgotten to get it out of the ice box. Stupid me!"_

_Link walked over to his ice-box and opened it. He smiled brightly to prevent himself from killing anybody. "Annnnnddd we have no milk! HAHAHA! Oh, this is so wonderful! Well, guess I gotta go drag my ass 27 miles to Lon-Lon Ranch just to pay 30 bucks for a bottle of milk that only contains two servings!" _

_FLASHBACK INTERRUPTION

* * *

_

"WAAAIITTT Cracka...who the hell sells a two serving bottle of milk for 30 freaking rupees?"

"Well, ask that to that dumbass fat lard who sells it at Lon-Lon Ranch.

"Must be some good milk..."

Link stared up at her. "NONNONONONNONONO! That crap tastes worse than breast-milk."

"How do you know what breast-milk tastes like? I thought you was raised by a tree?"

*No response*

"I don't even wanna know..."

* * *

_BACK TO THE FLASHBACK_

_"Finally! I'm here! Now, I gotta go get some milk-wait. Where's my freakin bottle? YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I LEFT IT AT HOME? URRRGHH! I HAVE TO WALK ALLLLLLL THE WAY BACK THERE!"_

_Link walked back home, got his glass bottle and walked back to the ranch which took 8 hours, making it now 7:30 p.m. (In Hyrule time...that's like...19:30 o' clock at night.)_

_"Great, it's night time and I still haven't been able to eat my breakfast. Oh well. Might as well get the milk for tomorrow."_

_Just as he walked into the door that Talon normally sold the milk at..._

_"Hey Talon. I need a refil- HOLY SWEET MERCY!"_

_"LINK! GET OUT OF HERE! I'M NAKED! GOSH! WE'RE CLOSED!"_

_"No thanks. How about I stay here and watch?"_

_"GET OUT!"_

_FLASHBACK ENDED

* * *

_By the time Link was done telling the story to Tatl, he was spacing out, drooling on himself.

"Oh please cracka. That girl didn't even have a rack yet. How can anybody be turned on by that?"

"She's my age which is 10. And any ten year old boy would be happy to see that. Trust me. All the Kokiri boys back home were so jealous."

"Whatever..."

* * *

They both ventured off toward the lost woods, and stopped at the witches shop to get some red potion. They entered the woods an found a monkey standing there blocking them.

"HOLY SHIT LINK! LOOK A MONKEY! That sign wasn't lying!"

"Ooohh ooh ahh ahh! I saw a weird lady lady. She in lost woods woods. Follow me me!"

Link sweatdropped while rolling his eyes. "Stupid freaking monkey. FINE, I'll follow you biznitch, but don't get mad when I skin you alive and make you my official rug."

The monkey headed ahead of them and left Link behind. "HEY! I SAID NOT TO GO SO FAST!"

Tatl nudged Link in the side. "Uhh...no cracka. You didn't."

"Whatever! YOUR OPINION DOESN'T COUNT!"

She mumbled to herself. "It wasn't an opinion, it was a fact...idiot."

"What?" "WHAT?"

* * *

They continued walking through the woods and then a spiky turtle came at Link like a boomerang.

"OH SHIZZPELLETS! I GOTTA MOVE!" Link screamed.

"NO YA THINK?"

After he got away from the turtle, Link did the soulja boy. Tatl stared at him unimpressed. "You done?"

"NO! I'LL NEVER BE DONE WITH YEEEEEWWWWWW..."

She rolled her eyes.

After some trial and error and 5 hours passed by, they got to the witch who was laying on the ground hurt. Link stared blankly at the monkey. "I like frosted flakes and turtles."

Tatl slowly looked over at him, confused. "WHAT THE HE-"

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"

The witch looked up at them. "Hey sonny! Do you think you could please help me ou-"

Link interrupted. "NO. I ain't helping nobody! NO WAY! NO WAY JOSE!"

After she did the puppy dog eyes on him, he gave in and gave her the red potion, healing her.

"Thanks! I have a prize for you!" She took a smiley face sticker and stuck it on Link's shirt and blew a raspberry at him. "HAHA! You just lost the game!"

The witch then took off toward the obeast's club house.

Link stomped angrily. "STUPID WITCH! Imma throw apples at her like off of the Wizard of Oz!"

* * *

"I would like to get some Dairy Queen." Tatl said.

"Well, we ain't getting nothing! We are going straight to the obeast's clubhouse so we can tell him to give us ride to the Deku Palace."

"Awww...fine." She replied disappointingly.

* * *

**A/n- **Review if you want. :P


	6. Chapter 6

A/n- I don't own anything except my pants, shirt and socks and thong...uh...pretend you didn't hear that. Enjoy.

* * *

Tatl and Link then went inside and got a ride to the deku palace.

"Look! A FROGGIE!" Said Link as he jumped into the water to go look at it. Tatl screamed. "NO! Don't go into the water! It's poisonous!"

"Huh? OW! HURTS! IT BURRRRRRRNNS! Link scurried to the log that the frog was on. "Ooooooooo froggie! ooh!"

Link tackled the frog and made it fall off the log and into the poisonous water. "Riiibbeeeeetttt!" Link started crying. "I KILLED IT! WAAAAAH! COME BACK FROGGIE! NOOO!"

Tatl shook her head in agony. "You just haaaad to go see a stupid frog dind't you craka?"

"FROG NO STUPID! ME NO CRAKA! GRRRRRR!"

* * *

Link ran into the Deku Palace.

"Sweet. Lily pad stepping stones!" Link hopped across to the entrance.

"Can we help you?" Asked one of the Deku guards. Link stood with his hands on his hips. "Yeah, I need to like enter here because those monkeys kept saying that I need to save their brother."

"Only deku scrubs can pass through. Not lowly short green tunic wearing boys like you!" The deku scrub guards snorted with laughter making Link even more angry.

"LISTEN! I said either let me in or I will kick you nuts in to where you pee inside yourself. Do you want urine in you? HMM? Nope! Didn't think so!"

One of the deku guards stepped forward in front of Link. "Do you dare challenge me to a duel?"

"Bring it bambusch!" Link then threw his arm duel disk card holder on his right arm and expanded his deck of cards. "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!" Link screamed. Then the deku scrub put his arm duel disk holder on and expanded his cards. "BRING IT ON!"

Link started first. "PIKACHU! I CHOOSE YOU!"

"Uhh...craka, that's Pokemon, not Yugioh." Tatl mumbled.

"Oh...yeah I forgot."

* * *

The deku guard and Link battled for 80 days straight.

"Waaaiiitt a minute. Pause the game!" Link interrupted. "If we've been dueling for 80 days straight, then why hasn't the moon fell yet? How's that even possible?"

The deku guard stared at him. "I have no clue. But, YOU JUST RAN INTO MY TRAP CARD!"

Link yelled. "CRAP!"

_~8 hours later...~_

"I WON!" Link screamed. "Now you have no choice but to let me in."

"Nope. I already made myself clear. No deku scrubs allowed."

Link raised his eyebrow at the guard's error. "Oh really? Well, since I'm not a deku scrub, guess I can go inside."

"NO! I MEANT NO HUMANS!"

* * *

Link walked away pouting and whining. "Stupid deku scrubs. I bet they...scrub themselves." Tatl rolled her eyes. "Craka, why don't you just turn into a deku scrub with your mask so you can enter instead? Gosh I mean, how hard is it?"

Link did so. "HA! I'm a tree again!"

He walked up to the deku guards. "Yo! Can I like, come inside and stuff?"

Yeah, since you're a deku scrub, you're allowed. Just go straight ahead and don't go anywhere else. Especially in the garden area."

Link gave them a puzzled look. "Why not? It's not like you guys are growing marijuana or something."

*No response*

"Oh...my...god."

* * *

The two went straight ahead and saw the monkey tied up and locked in a cage. Link walked over to the monkey.

"Hi monkey!"

The monkey thought Link was another ordinary deku scrub. "You deku scrubs can suck my #$&*%!"

Link's eyes went wide.

"WHHHAAAT? Look here you asshat! I came alllllll the way here and out of my way to save you and you tell me to suck your #$&$!" I don't even know what that is, but let me tell you something brother, PASS THE PEAS"

Link stormed outside with Tatl trailing behind him and got barricaded by the monkeys again. Link growled irritably.

"We need you you to save our brother!"

"LOOK! I just freaking tried but he told me to suck his #$%#^ which I happily declined and I went out of my way to try and make him pass the peas but he wouldn't! I AM FREAKING STARVING HERE! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"

One of the monkeys stared blankly and confusingly at Link. "Uhh...make him pass the carrots?"

"WRONG!" Link threw his hands in the air. "I need him to tell me how to save him!"

Tatl intervened. "Craka, if he knew how to save himself, HE WOULD HAVE DONE SO ALREADY!"

"I like chicken nuggets." Link murmured.

* * *

The monkeys then explained to Link that he needed to go into the garden area and get a magic bean seed underground from the merchant and plant it outside the garden walls to get to their brother to get a song from him. That sounded simple enough to Link.

He entered the right garden area.

"HOLY CRAP! What the freak? Why do those deku guards have white dots as a flashlight? Wtf is this shit, light bright?"

He manoeuvred through the guards and found the underground hole and proceeded down it, landing in a puddle of water.

"Dung beetles, what bug eats poop?" He said randomly to Tatl. She rolled her eyes. "Leave it to craka here to start rambling on about random things. Stupid fool."

"What?"

"What?"

They approached the bean merchant. "DANNNNNNNG! This guy is Biggie Smalls combined with Big Daddy V!"

"Oooooh! SERVE CRAKA!"

The merchant looked at him and spoke with his mouth full of beans. "Here, you can have this bean for free."

"SWEET!"

Link went back to the ground and planted the seed and sprinkled water on it. Then it grew instantly.

"HOW THE CRAP DID THIS PIECE OF HECK GROW THAT FAST!" Link yelled.

"Craka, it's 'How the heck did this piece of crap'. Get your English straight. And this is a game, not real life. There are gonna be stuff that is impossible to happen."

"Oh, I forgot." He replied.

* * *

Link got across the garden, outside, past the flowers and flew from the deku flower until he got to the grave stone on the cliff where the waterfall was.

"OH MY GOD! NOT YOU AGAIN!"

It was the owl again.

"Oh my god! I am not gangsta anymore! Instead, I am preppy! Oh my god!" He spoke like a stereotypical gay guy. "Like, seriously!"

Link threw a rock at him. "Go away! I am sick of you and your stupid antics! Didn't you annoy me enough in Ocarina of Time?"

"No." Then the owl poured hair dye on Link's head, turning his hair pink.

"AHHH! IT BURNS! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!"

Tatl poured water on his head and washed it off. "Ah, now that's better. Stupid owl! GO AWAY!"

The owl pouted. "Tsk, but I need to like, give you the song of soaring and stuff!"

"Why?"

"Because you can teleport places faster with it."

"...Teach me the song."

* * *

Reviews are appreciated. :3


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